”Self worth comes from one thing - thinking that you are worthy.” –Wayne Dyer

I asked the other night, “I want to know that if I show up as just me and nothing else, just me, will that be enough?”  It was interesting that the response seemed to be one of surprise that I would even ask such a question.  I believe that it was as if to say this was a given.  The thing is, I have never assumed it to be a given. I think I have been asking that question for most of my life.  This time, I verbalized it. And, what I have always wanted to hear was, “Yes, Jenn, you…just you…are enough.”

What are the things that I have felt would make me worthy?

*Being a size 0 with next to no body fat

*Earning a six-figure + income

*Owning my home

*Not having a voice and agreeing with everything anyone says

*Being nice all the time

*Being funny

*Getting straight As

*Pleasing everyone at the expense of myself

*Trying to be perfect

*Pretending that I’m not vulnerable and I have no needs

*Having the right friends…having lots of friends…

*Being “on the scene” and doing whatever the “cool kids” are doing

I’m sure there are more.  I’ve done these things.  When all was said and done, I didn’t feel any more worthy than I did before I started.  In fact, most of these things propelled me into deeper obsessions with perfection, pushed me away from others, and further away from myself.

When I look at that list above I think, ooh…that sounds…..boring!

How do we get so far away from the little children we once were?   Those little people that run around just being themselves? I was a quirky little kid.  I adore this about me.  I enjoy the quirkiness about myself now that seems to come out more and more everyday.

I think we were all born knowing how to follow our bliss.  Somewhere along the way, however, many of us were taught that we needed to understand someone else’s bliss, which should then be our bliss.  Conditions of worth were placed on us –”You won’t make any money if you’re an artist,” “Nobody loves a girl with big thighs,” “People won’t want to play with you if you tell them how you really feel.”

I am beginning to discover again what it means to follow my own bliss…those heart’s desires.  When I do, I find my self worth.  I value myself because of my imperfections, my desires, my victories, and my struggles.  I have “tribes” — family, friends, and communities — that I do belong to that show up for me everyday and remind me that I am lovable — as every version of me. The version of me that stops running for six weeks, the version that gets depressed, the version that is optimistic, the version that gets her number one choice for internship next year, the version that loves her family and gets annoyed with her family, the version that has arguments with people she loves, the version that connects deeply with people, and the version that gets scared…every single one.

I had a good friend once who told me that another way to think of love songs is as if God were singing them to me.

When I hear this one, I know I am worthy.  And, I am so worthy of my own love, God’s love, and your love.

Note: If you’d like to read more about worthiness and hear other personal stories of worth, visit Brene Brown’s web site as she celebrates a week of worthiness. Thank you, Brene, for your ongoing courage and inspiration.

“And I would take you with me on the plane.  We would go to the park, play in the sunshine, and have coffee together.  I would revel in the delight of you with no expectations for repayment of any kind from you.” –Words that will live with me forever.

The conference last week was emotionally exhausting for me, and I wasn’t expecting it. I may have mentioned that I was doing group therapy with 12 other therapists and therapists-in-training for two days.  I have done a group here in Chicago for the last five years.  Umm…let me tell you…I saw sweat, tears, fangs, claws, laughter, silence, and more.  I was also moved by the presence of our group leader.  A skilled man with mindfulness training.  A man that showed his emotions, but maintained strength as a leader.  I aspire.

I consciously chose a man as my leader for many reasons. I have never had a male therapist.  I was ready to go towards something.  Trust.  Those words above were said to me in the sincerest of ways, and they changed me.  I asked for what I needed and I got it.I let someone see my smallness and my neediness. I let him catch me in front of 12 other people. A release occurred that will take me many months to fully process. I can still barely talk about it.  I’m one tired lady now.  Thank goodness spring break is the week after next.

I grew up a little more last week.  I saw myself more clearly with the help of 12 other people.

One thing that came up over and over again was this notion of a pedestal.  A pedestal that we have either been placed on or placed ourselves on.  At one point I said, “Help me to see me. I can’t see myself. Call my bluff.”  I was ready for the group to take the next step and get real.  Don’t tell me the surface things about you outside of this room, tell me what’s going on for you right here and now with me. Let’s go deeper.

Our leader, a wonderful and gifted therapist, talked about how there is disappointment in all relationships.  He would disappoint us and we might disappoint each other. I find myself at times wanting to say this to people, “I will disappoint you.”  I know people think this sounds kind of dark and foreboding, but it’s just simply truth.  I see it even in the therapeutic relationship. Many say that therapy is an opportunity to be re-parented.  *chuckle* The funny part is that we end up learning the real lesson…even the therapist has the potential to disappoint.  So what we end up finding out is not that we will be disappointed, but how we handle the disappointment.  Forgiveness.  We must find forgiveness in our hearts.

Disappointment may seem a harsh word, and maybe what I’m really saying is that the imperfections are unveiled to us.  I’ve fallen off the pedestal before.  I actually could paint it the way I saw it…like my leg almost breaking off and then falling over the edge. I saw it happening and man, oh, man, it was one long fall. There are no steps.

The pedestal creates distance in and of itself. I said I wanted off that pedestal at the conference. I don’t want to be up there. It’s lonely. It’s cold. It’s no fun.  I still want to be me with all of my ambitions, motivations, and desires…but I kind of like being with people. So rather than fall off, I think I’ll get down. I’ll show you my smallness..my neediness..my vulnerability. It’s the only way we can really get anywhere.

And, these concepts of the pedestal and trust came together for me in a final talk from a woman discussing emotional and physical intimacy in relationships.  Love and sex, baby.  What keeps the fire going? Air.  The lack of air is what ends up putting out the flame.

When my plane took off on Thursday morning I had this vision of the little girl, Jenn, on the ground (”baby girl”) and grown up Jenn on the plane (”big girl”).  I am becoming something new.  It’s really quite beautiful and painful all at once.  I feel as though I am being called to change in new ways that I am not quite aware of yet.

I want to stand as an equal with someone.  I want to know someone.  I want to know that it is ok to grow and change and that the person will still be there.  It’s like when a child is learning autonomy…the parent is there on the playground letting the child go forward and explore.  But, at any point, the child can turn around and see that the parent is still there…patiently waiting and watching giving reassurance that they will not leave.  They are reveling in the delight of one another with no expectations of re-payment.

As I was walking along the harbor last Tuesday morning I kept playing a song over and over on my iPod.  I saw the sun coming over the mountains and reflecting on the water, the air was crisp, a seal was swimming beside me and came up for air  –gasp.  I knew and felt that gasp. I wanted desperately to run to that front door step…I didn’t because I knew I needed to wait…what was happening at that conference was so critical for me to move forward…patience.

To be seen is a gift.

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?  One, but the light bulb has really got to want to change.

I am on a little trip this week at a conference.  I was walking along this afternoon under blue skies and clouds while the sunshine danced on the water of the marina.  Sixty-degree weather sang to my heart, and my heart sang back.  I decided to come in a day early and take the day for myself.  Some personal R&R was necessary.  I ate a nice lunch and went for a long walk. Tonight I will have a medi and then go for a massage.  The next two days will be filled with 8 hours each day of group work with twelve other psychotherapists and therapists-in-training.

On the plane here I was reading about person-centered therapy, one of my favorites, and thinking about the changes within me in the past five years.  Some days it still feels like my journey is just beginning.  Some days I have more questions than answers.

Change is in the air.  I suppose change is always in the air now.  I have gotten used to this, but it never ceases to amaze me just how much things can change in the course of a day, a month, or a year. Babies are being born this year that were just a glimmer in the eye not long ago.  Friends are getting married, moving to the other side of the country, and living heart’s desires. I am so glad!

I was reminded this week that prayers and gratitude are so important.  Wanting for others - especially those with whom we have had troubles - what we want for ourselves is critical to the good of the world.

Give thanks.  Find joy.

Look into your heart. Find hope.

“Go for what you want, not what you think you can get.” – A wise friend.

All walls are doors in disguise.

I hope you follow your bliss. I hope you find comfort in the smile of a stranger, the embrace of a friend, or the warmth of a cup of tea.  I hope the sun shines on your face or snowflakes graze the tip of your nose.  I hope you laugh out loud just because…

I hope you find lightness in your footsteps and gratitude for the fact that you grace the Earth to hear them.

My fulfillment is being pulled in lots of new directions these next few weeks. Exciting times…

Hmmm….what do you want?

“The only truth I know is you.”  –Simon and Garfunkel

My good friend and I were driving along in her car this afternoon.  I had gotten a message that there were flowers waiting for me at my front door.  I told her I was pretty sure they were from my mom.  I explained that my mom really loves Valentine’s Day.  She always sends me something sweet to tell me how much she loves me.  My grandmother did, too. You could always anticipate getting a homemade valentine from Gram in the mail.  It would be a white sheet of paper folded into four.  She might have cut out a pink or red heart from construction paper and written something sweet on it.  On the inside it would say something lovely like what a treasure you were to her.  It was like being a little kid again with those home-decorated boxes to collect valentine’s from other kids.

I explained to my friend that I, too, like Valentine’s Day, regardless of my relationship status.   I don’t so much like it because of the romantic aspect (hello, commercialism) and I’ve never really had high expectations for the day.  What I like is the focus on love.  Just LOVE.  Love of self, of one another, of nature, any kind of love. A day that focuses on love? The world needs that. And, more of it.

When it comes to the people I love, I like to just enjoy being with them.  I’m not into fancy stuff or big celebrations. Let’s go out for an ice cream sundae or some good cheap Mexican food.  Hand me a few flowers wrapped up in a bundle. Make me a homemade card. Tell me sweet things.  Give me a long hug.  Make me a mix CD.  Express yourself and let me do the same.

Maybe it’s that these are the ways that I show love. We all have our own ways and the important part is that we try to recognize how we each show love, how we want love to be shown to us, and how those we care about want love to be shown to them. Let’s understand one another’s experience.

I am no expert on romantic love.  I don’t think that’s the kind of love I really want to be the expert on anymore anyway. I’ll go for agape over eros.  Besides, we were all born experts on love.

What I know about love…

It can come to you in the most surprising ways from people you would have never expected. It’s unlimited and available to everyone. Getting is sure does feel good, but giving it is pretty extraordinary.  It heals people.  There are millions of acts of it committed every day. It can transform people, places, and situations.

I believe in the truth of love.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyday, family and friends.

“Each of us has a quiet place within.  Out of this center action comes.  The center must be known and held.” –Joseph Campbell

I have been quiet.  The blog has changed.  I am not sure what is taking shape next.  Two weeks ago I finished listening to the next set of studies for my meditation practice.  After, I was talking to one of my teachers.  Hearing his voice on the line was lovely.  It’s good to be in the presence of a kindred spirit.  I said that I am changing so quickly, I am almost tripping over myself. It was the only way I could describe my experience right now.

You know when adolescent boys go through that awkward growth spurt and their feet or hands are too big for their body? Yeah, that’s kinda how I feel right now. Not so much in body, but in spirit and mind.  I’m a stumbling and fumbling fool at times.

I give thanks for the act of forgiveness.

A year ago I was in India witnessing this beautiful sunset.

Right now I’m in Chicago witnessing a gorgeous snowy night.

Both places are divine.

Something amazing this way comes.

In September 2008, I learned this powerful technique and it changed my life.  I experience the benefits of this twice daily meditation regularly.  Now, I’d no sooner do without it than I would air, food, or water.  Don’t take my word for it though..come find out more for yourself.

Visit http://chicagomeditationcenter.com/the-center and sign up for a free introductory talk on Monday, 2/15, 7-8p or Tuesday, 2/16, 6-7p.  The intro talk will last one hour and you will have an opportunity to sign up for the course which will be taught the same week.

I hope to see you there.

“Less is more.” – Ludwig Mies van der Rohe

I had two other thoughts on what to call this post. One option was a follow up to last week’s post on Know Yourself, calling it, And Then…Laugh at Yourself.  The other option was to call it An Uninspired Jumble.  I have been feeling a little uninspired in the past few weeks.  This, believe it or not, actually excites me because it means I am in the midst of the unknown so something good is manifesting.  Creation is at work.  I have no doubt.

It’s a Saturday night in the city.  I contemplated my options for the evening. I could go out and meet up with a friend who was celebrating her friend’s birthday. I could go to a movie with another friend.  Neither sounded particularly charming to me in the moment (those friends are quite charming, of course).  Yet, I knew I wanted to be out and about and around people. So I settled on heading out to a local coffee shop to sip on some tea and do a little reading and writing for pleasure.

You know..I love coffee shops. There is a guy across from me with giant headphones on reading a book on biblical history (fascinating character already), a young couple “studying,” but really more interested in studying one another, the smell of chocolate baking, and some nice music going on in the background. It’s a good, good night.

Anyway…I digress, as always. Give the girl a page and she’ll fill it.  Maybe I could get to the point:  the real title of this post.  Satisficer.  You see, there are two types of people according to Psychologist Herbert Simon, maximizers and satisficers.  Maximizers are like perfectionists.  They want to make sure every choice they make is the best possible choice and so they go about trying to analyze every possible option.  They also tend to want the biggest and the best of things.  Satisficers have standards, but they are not as worried about the possibility that there might be something better.  According to research, satisficers tend to be happier in the long term.  Maximizers may feel happiness in the short term, but that is lost once they start questioning what other options exist or where the next big thing is for them.

I would consider myself a satisficer for the most part.  There are some areas in my life where I may need to say I am an aspiring satisficer.  I’m happy being a satisficer.  Do you know why?  It’s because I’m a recovering maximizer.  If you ever saw my home you would quickly realize that I am a minimalist.  The less I have, in my opinion, the easier it is to be nimble with change.  I also don’t get a whole lot of satisfaction over having “stuff.”  When I buy new clothes, I sometime grimace thinking that it’s just going to take up more space in my drawers.  Ultimately, I also know that nothing outside of me can bring me sustainable happiness. The key word there being sustainable.

The photo above is from Fiji. It is of young children at a local school doing a performance for tourists.  When visiting Fiji I got to see how the local people lived. For the most part, they had a very humble existence.  Small one room homes with dirt floors and chickens in the yard.  The same held true of my time in Costa Rica and India….simplicity.  Yet, I also saw how happy people were without all of the things that we consider necessities here in the U.S.

I’m not by any means proposing that we all go to one room homes with dirt floors, but I am offering a comparison in terms of generating thoughts on what brings lasting happiness.  For me, my meditation practice has brought me a great deal in terms of understanding that true fulfillment comes from within. It is in something much bigger than me, a fancy car, home, a partner, or an expensive watch.

This week as the tragedy in Haiti has unfolded, I have held a deep sense of gratitude for the life that I live.  Truly, I have a very blessed existence. I don’t have to worry about food, shelter, clothing, or money. I live in a high-rise apartment in one of the world’s most amazing cities, attend graduate school, don’t have to work right now, have wonderful friends, and a loving/supportive family.  The other thing that I have been struck with this week is that if I were given the choice to trade my problems with someone else, I would not.  I know my problems. I kind of like them a little, too.  They are mine.

I don’t have a vision board anymore.  If I did though, I can tell you what it would be filled with…it would be filled with images of love, beauty, joy, and peace.  I don’t long for expensive things or fancy people. What I long for most is to be content and comfortable.  When I envision my future, I think about how I want to feel.  I want to feel safe, secure, joyful, grateful, rested, loved, loving, and peaceful. I see sharing that with many other special people. My home is sweet and warm and inviting.  My work brings meaning to me and other people. My family and friends are a priority.  I give.  What I give comes rushing back to me in a giant wave — just like the tide moving in and out.

Keep it simple.  Real riches are there.

“And Nachiketas learnt the supreme wisdom taught by the god of after-life, and he learnt the whole teaching of inner-union, of Yoga.  Then he reached Brahman, the Spirit Supreme, and became immortal and pure.  So in truth will anyone who knows his Atman, his higher Self.” — Katha Upanishad

The first time I heard Katha Upanishad was on my iPod. It was a recording from my trip to India.  I was only given the recording because I had been so sick and missed many of the lectures. They were given to me on the promise that I would delete them after I had listened to them once –  just like anyone else on the trip to India who would never have access to those live talks again after hearing them.   It was a cold late February day as I walked to the bus stop in Chicago.   I could hear the warmth of a teacher’s voice, who is also an actor, reading Katha Upanishad to the group in India.  The one passage that stood out to me the most was this: “Awake, arise!  Strive for the Highest, and be in the Light!  Sages say the path is narrow and difficult to tread, narrow as the edge of a razor.”

Do you ever have one of those moments when you’re reading a passage in a book or listening to the lyrics of a song and you just feel something in your heart or belly that you know to be the truth? Intuition. Maybe even God/Universe talking to us through someone else?  I often make connections between literature and music.  I immediately thought of the lyrics to one of my favorite Bob Dylan songs (and, it’s a classic, who doesn’t love it?), Shelter from the Storm, “Beauty walks a razor’s edge, someday I’ll make it mine.”  I felt that sense of how the beauty and joy of life is so fleeting — a little like a butterfly…did you know their average lifespan is only 20 to 40 days? — so we need to just be here now and live it. In fact, it gives me butterflies in my stomach.

I talk quite often about how we are all on our path and that we need to read the story as it is being written…by something much bigger than us.  I try to live this as much as I can too.  I laugh because there are certain things in my life that have happened, of which I did not know the real meaning until much later.  You can’t cheat and look ahead because the next paragraph hasn’t been written yet.  You just do the next right thing in front of you, follow your bliss, and see what happens.

This is a silly little example, but years ago a friend gave me a paper lantern with a pattern of an OM on it. At that time, the OM just looked pretty.

Little did I know that a decade later I would be immersed in the study of meditation and yoga, fascinated by both, and reading from the Katha Upanishad, ” Death.  I will tell you the Word that all the Vedas glorify, all self-sacrifice expresses, all sacred studies and holy life seek.  That Word is OM. That word is the everlasting Brahman:  that Word is the highest End.  When that sacred Word is known, all longings are fulfilled.”

You may think me kind of silly, but I do believe that I was always coming to this very place. Back when I was given the paper lantern, I couldn’t have predicted how fantastic the ride would be in coming to the real understanding of OM:    the joys, the disappointments, the surprises, and extra stories gathered along the way.  I continue to come to that understanding because it is a lifelong journey this knowing of OM, this knowing of my higher Self, and this walking a razor’s edge.

It’s glorious..

When I first started meditating I thought that it would mean the end of anything challenging or difficult.  What I have been taught and what I have found is that life still has challenges, but I have a safe harbor to come to..a shelter..twice a day that reminds me of who I am, where I come from, and where I return. It is peace and I am part of it.

I just finished watching the movie, The Razor’s Edge, this evening. I had never seen it.  I figured I needed to carry this theme all the way through.  At the end of the movie, the lead female asks the lead male, “Will I see you again?”  He grasps her around the neck, joking, and says, “You just don’t get it!  It doesn’t matter. It just doesn’t matter.” Hm…I get it.

As my friend and a Vedic meditation teacher, Matthew, put it so eloquently today,  “live the question and you will attract the answer.”  Thanks, Matt.  Sometimes we don’t know in the moment why we’re being called in a certain direction, we just know, like we know, like we know that we’re supposed to go that way.

Be your truth.  Follow your bliss.  Watch your life unfold.

“There is nothing difficult, there is nothing complicated, only one has to have a desire to have a better quality of life.”  –Maharishi Mahesh Yogi

A 2009 re-cap:  *deep breath*…pretty much everything changed.  Or shall I say…I continue to evolve.

If there is one thing you should know about me, it is that I continuously desire to have a better quality of life.  Don’t get me wrong, I find great satisfaction in the moment, but I always want to know more, experience more, be more, do more, and become a better version of me.

On my plane ride home from my mom’s, I was inspired by a conversation the night before regarding goals.  I prefer to call them intentions — you can check the definitions for yourself to see the difference.  So, I took out my pen and wrote in the back of a new book all of my intentions for 2010.  As I’ve mentioned before, writing down your intentions is extremely powerful.  I recommend writing them in the affirmative and using action phrases.  Leave out words like “try” or “attempt.” For example, one of mine was “Travel to various spot.”  I had 21 intentions written down (unintentional and divisible by 3, love it). Some of them are softer like improving myself in terms of understanding my emotions, my unconscious, and continuing to improve how I communicate and relate to people. And, some of them were measurable like growing my client base by a certain amount.

I cover the following areas, at a minimum:  body, mind, spirit, career, friendships (growing what I have and remaining open to new), my relationship to the divine, family (being there for them & being open to growth), love & relationship, travel, and finance.  I sprinkled in a few other things that I think are important every year to aid in my evolution. These include keeping my eyes open as well as my head and heart to new experience and the fact that life changes course.  I will make choices out of love, not fear, love myself and others unconditionally — and allow others to love me back the same way, work for the good of others to allow them and me to become the best version of ourselves…while…always remembering to have fun and laugh..as much as possible.  I signed off with the word, “Peace.”

And, now do you know what I’m going to do with this list?  Forget about it. Yep. That’s right.  After I read this book, it will get tucked away on my bookshelf along with the goals for 2010.

While it is important to aim my arrow toward the target, it’s also important that I release the results to something much bigger.  Life is a mystery.  2010 is a mystery.

It is a mystery not to be solved, but it is a mystery to be revealed.

I am grateful for that. I am grateful for 2009, and 2010 looks so incredibly beautiful from where I stand.

Happy New Year.

Peace.